We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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