Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
