Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
