break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I currently don't understand fingers.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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