Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Randomize
