phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
