highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
