The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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