Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
