I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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