I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
