Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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