after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
