watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
