Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
