there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
