He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
