Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
