I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
