I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
