So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
