I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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