this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
