who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
