I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
