guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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