New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
