don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's rum buckets o'clock
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize