look no pants
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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