she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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