Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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