I wish I could punch you in the face.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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