you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
