The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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