Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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