it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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