why didn't you poke me back
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
