If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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