The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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