We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just pee around me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
