my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
pop tarts are not kleenex
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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