I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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