Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
smell my finger.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
