he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
