Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
