I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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