He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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