I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
