hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
