update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
