Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
