Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
