Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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