I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
