woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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