Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
