My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
