bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
