I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I cut my penus on the lid.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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