Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
