Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
