I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
