So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
